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Campfire Tales - November, 1997 |
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Pass Patrol Outlaws on the Runby
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Another of the many adventures of PASS PATROL |
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It was to be a top secret operation. No one, except for the entire world, knew Outlaw and his band of desperados, operating under the code name of Pass Patrol, were headed for Escalante, Utah. Under normal circumstances, such activities are quietly ignored by everyone, sometimes even those who are on the trip, but there was to be nothing normal about this activity. Another band of desperados, referred to by Pass Patrol as Viro-nazis, were determined to catch Outlaw in the act and put an end to Pass Patrol once and for all time. Outlaw received a coded message by Pony Express on Tuesday from a contact in Salt Lake. Unfortunately, he pushed the wrong button, and it self destructed before playing the message. He called Gadget who brought over the DTD (Destructed Tape Decoder) and within minutes the message was retrieved. It read: “Viro-nazis contacted all newspapers and TV stations in Salt Lake. (Stop) Wanted press coverage to make an example of the capture of Outlaw and Pass Patrol. (Stop) Press not interested. (Stop) Vironazis contacted all BLM offices warning them that 200 desperados were converging on Grand Staircase and must be stopped, (stopped, stopped)” The message ended with a warning to watch out for a Viro-nazi ambush. Outlaw sent a carrier-pigon-gram to Mr. & Mrs. South Paw in Ogden instructing them to rush to Escalante posing as a mild mannered couple on a camping trip. Outlaw then sent Sundance to set up a lookout at Crystal Geyser. The carrier pigeons were last seen heading for Hawaii. Upon arrival, Sundance and South Paw sent messages to Outlaw encoded within satellite TV signals of the X-files. Unfortunately, Outlaw had fallen asleep during the Simpsons and missed that episode of the X-files. Sundance sent for Alien Brat to zip over to Pass Patrol’s hideout and zap Outlaw with the following message. “Viro-nazis behind every bush. (Over) Aborting the trip is the only logical action. (Over) Don’t come over! Unfortunately, Alien Brat stopped at Venus for gas and once he found out about all the women there, he never made it back. Outlaw had only one thing to do before heading for Utah. Viro-nazis were expecting two hundred Pass Patrol vehicles. Outlaw only had six signed up. It was easily resolved. Outlaw simply signed up 194 immaginary vehicles and instructed them to enter Grand Staircase from Page, Arizona. On Saturday night, Outlaw and Slow Poke pulled into the Cystal Geyser hideout where Sundance was waiting. By sticking to back roads, the journey to Crystal Geyser had been undetected by Viro-nazis. The three desperados spent a quiet evening watching the geyser put on a show, sipping sodas, and beginning the long process of dreaming up this campfire tale. The truth is out there and all lies lead to it, but our heros have never been interested in the truth. Only in getting a good laugh, sitting next to an eye-level fire, and pigging out on Cherry cobbler cooked in a dutch oven. Sunday morning, the trio left the hideout and pulled into Green River for fuel. There was no sign of the Viro-nazis. The trio flipped on CB 13 for communications knowing the Viro-nazis would be monitoring it. The scripts for the day had already been written. The trio headed west on I-70 to the exit for Hanksville. Three Viro-nazi vehicles were waiting at the off ramp. Outlaw’s scanner picked up the transmission. “Outlaw and two bandits just passed checkpoint one. No sign of the rest of the patrol.” The three vehicles followed the trio to Hanksville. At that point the trio gave them the slip by turning onto a narrow side trail and hiding in the brush until they passed. The trio managed to avoid detection for nearly two hours but as they approached a pass in the Dixie Forest, the scanner came alive. “Bandits approaching check point two. Will engage.” As Outlaw approached, one truck pulled out in front of him and the other pulled in behind him. They slowed down to 45 mph. A huge unmarked bus load of Viro-nazi protestors pulled in behind Slow Poke and Sundance. Outlaw picked up the cell phone and used a secured channel to call Trapdoor at DOD (Department of Defense). “We need two black helicopters out of Area 51, fully armed to take out the two trucks.” Trapdoor pushed a button on the computer and terminated the call. A few minutes later two black F-4 planes zoomed by. “Darn,” Outlaw grumbled. “Trapdoor pushed the wrong button again. Outlaw decided not to call him again. He might push another wrong button and send two missles. It was time to play the script. Outlaw made a sudden turn onto the Great Western Trail. Taken by surprize, the trucks and bus zipped on by. “What’s up?” Sundance transmitted as he and Slow Poke followed Outlaw. The trio turned around and backtracked to a rest area. “I just got an imaginary encoded message from the imaginary main group. 168 imaginary vehicles have arrived in Page and will begin converging on Grand Staircase at daybreak. We’ll take the Great Western Trail and go the back way to Escalante.” The trio pulled into the rest area and hid in the outhouses. Sure enough, the black bus had turned around and passed the rest area going the other way headed for Page, AZ. The two trucks had also turned around and headed up the Great Western Trail in a hurry. They disappeared in the trees trying to catch the trio, unaware that the trio was hiding out at the rest area. TO BE CONTINUED! By now, you may have figured out that this story has been slightly exaggerated. In other words, it is a campfire tale that will grow each time it is told. If you really want to read the rest of it, let us know and we’ll finish it in another issue. As promised, there is a spark of truth in every campfire tale. The preceding story grew from the following sparks of truth. Truth 1- Outlaw received a phone call from Salt Lake informing him that individuals who were introducing themselves as the Sierra Club were contacting the media in an attempt to get coverage of a protest against Pass Patrol driving into the Grand Staircase. We have no proof they were with the Sierra Club but there is no doubt they claimed they were. Truth 2- Several individuals, claiming to be with the Sierra Club contacted several offices within the BLM insisting that rangers be sent to stop Pass Patrol from driving on established roads within Grand Staircase and Glen Canyon National Recreation Area. Truth 3- Two individuals in a red truck stopped a vehicle in our group demanding information about where we were going. The people in our group simply laughed at them and drove away. Summary - Grand Staircase is a virtual war zone. In his speach, Clinton promised that all existing forms of recreation would remain unchanged. But, groups calling themselves environmentalists deny that any roads exist within Grand Staircase and insist that the entire area must be closed to all motorized travel. Motorized recreation groups point to the many hundreds of dirt surface and two-tract roads within the monument and insist they are protected by RS2477 right of way. Because of this battle, the wilderness advocates don’t want Pass Patrol in Grand Staircase. Books, videos, magazine stories, and campfire tales written about the adventures of Pass Patrol traveling existing roads within Grand Staircase would be very damaging to their claims that no roads exist. Especially with photographs, maps, and GPS positions. Pass Patrol is not interested in a fight with any special interest group, however, when they challenge our right to drive on open roads and exercise our first amendment right to free speach, we will not be intimidated. So what does that mean? Nothing as far as we are concerned. We will go on doing what we do. We hope this failed effort to interrupt our weekend was an isolated incident. Actually, we found it to be rather entertaining. We also hope these fanatics were not connected with the Sierra Club, but if they were, we believe that organization owes us a big apology. As for the trail ride, it was great. The weather was perfect. Clear skies, warm days, chilly nights, and a terrific group. Our trip began with a journey up Collett Canyon. Due to recent rains, the road surface was a little rougher than usual, however, shifting to 4wheel drive was not necessary. From the top of Collet Canyon, we took Croton Road east to the trail head for Grand Bench. It was on this route that we met Ranger Jeff and his helper. They were looking for us, due to the many phone calls they had received, but were professional and friendly. They pointed out that the road we were headed for was very difficult, however, it was an open route within the monument and we were free to continue. Shortly after leaving the Rangers, we met the guys in the red truck and ignored them. When we arrived at Little Valley Canyon, the fun began. It took about an hour to get Outlaw’s Trooper across the canyon and by that time it was dark. Sundance was the only one who had followed Outlaw to the canyon floor. Outlaw returned to the canyon floor and joined Sundance to go back to the trailhead. By the time they returned to the rest of the group, the fire was going and the aroma of good cooking filled the air. That night, the campfire tales ran rampantly. The next morning, the group voted to go to Crosby Canyon where the Maverick movie was filmed so we never did make it out to Grand Bench and the Trooper was the only vehicle to cross Little Valley Canyon. We spent two more terrific days within the monument, then the group split up. Sundance and Outlaw went to Hole in the Rock on the east side of the lake. The others wandered off in various directions. So what of Grand Bench? As Arnold would say, “We’ll be back!” Happy Trails! |
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Ode to ole Trigger |
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“That ‘97 Trooper
is, without a doubt, I named it Trigger, and I’ll admit, I didn’t cut it any slack. Together, we did all the most difficult VDL (vehicle damage likely) trails I’ve found during the past thirteen years. There was Holy Cross City, Hole in the Rock, Back way to Jamestown, Family Fun, Kelly Flats, and many more. Until about half way through the year, every time I pointed ole Trigger at a nasty spot, I expected him to fail. To my surprise, he not only didn’t fail, he conquered every one of them with less effort than any stock vehicle I’ve ever driven. During, the last three months of the season, I had developed such confidence it its capabilities, I started doing trails I had avoided during the past few years just because I had come to believe those trails were too difficult for a stock vehicle. I became a little too overconfident a few times but that’s why I have that Warn 8,000 winch bolted up front. So what was Trigger’s secret? It just may be the best kept secret in the world of 4wheeling. The only other person I found who already knew it was my friend Moses Ludel who writes the “Holy Moses” column for Off Road Magazine. The secret is in the suspension. It is designed in such a way that enables a Trooper to keep all four wheels planted firmly on the ground in situations where other vehicles pop a wheel in the air. We all know that air makes for poor traction and Isuzu designed the Trooper to avoid going there. Still have doubts? Don’t feel bad if you do. If someone had said this to me last year at this time, I wouldn’t have believed it either. The Trooper’s capabilities are the best kept secrets in the 4wheeling world. Time and again, I would meet folks on the trail who would actually laugh at me for being there in what most of them called, “A doctor’s toy car.” That laugh quickly faded when Trigger outperformed them. In many cases, the vehicles he outperformed were modified. Some fella even asked me if Isuzu had given me a specially modified truck and one fella even accused me of having lockers front and rear because Trigger was climbing stuff without spinning a wheel. To convince him, I had to purposely put the truck in a severe off-camber situation to such an extreme that a tire came up off the ground. Sure enough, the left rear was spinning and the right rear was standing still. No lockers! Isuzu released the current Trooper design in 1992. In other words, it’s been out a long time. In all that time, I’ve never heard anyone talk about how well that design does 4wheeling. Maybe that’s because people who buy them never push them to their limits. It is possible that, until I got my hands on ole Trigger, a Trooper had never been pushed to its limits. If that’s the case, I am proud to have been the first one to do it. So, you ask, what does Isuzu need to do to improve the Trooper? The top of the list is a bigger motor. The 3.2 liter has all it can handle to maintain 65 mph going up Vail Pass. I am told the ‘98 model has an improved 3.2 motor that will do much better, but I haven’t tested one yet. I did test the new motor in a Rodeo and it had lots of zip but a Rodeo is lighter than a Trooper. Another thing is gas mileage. Not that the Trooper is any worse than most other 4X4s. It averaged about 16 mpg during the 40,000 miles I drove it. I was told it would do better if I ran something besides the cheapest fuel I could find, but I didn’t test that theory. Very few 4X4s on the market do better than that, but it sure would be nice if they did. The new Rodeo we tested on a trip to California managed to get 20 mpg so Isuzu is headed in the right direction. Maintenance cost on Trigger was almost non-existent other than oil changes. During the 40,000 miles I drove it, the only time it went to the mechanic was when the exhaust pipe broke. The mechanic couldn’t find any evidence that it broke due to anything I did, but then he hadn’t seen where Trigger had been. That’s not a bad record. Although I drive between 40,000 and 50,000 miles every year, most people don’t. In fact, most people don’t drive that far in three years so if you consider the average person could have driven Trigger for three years and only gone to the garage for repairs once, that ain’t bad! No other vehicle I’ve driven has come close to that kind of reliability. Trigger was equipped with V-6, automatic, electric windows and locks, cruise, leather interior, sun roof, heated seats, stereo sound, remote swing away mirrors, and all the other necessities of life. Even though all that stuff was continuously packed in desert sand and dust, it all continued working flawlessly. Check out the January issue of 4Wheel Drive & Sport Utility magazine for some really great shots of Trigger on the Hole in the Rock Road near Escalante. That TJM bumper supporting the Warn 8,000 winch attracted a lot of attention this year. It is made in Australia and distributed in the USA by Hella. Trigger is gone now. The last I heard he was headed for Baja to use as an observer vehicle along the track. If it just had a bigger motor, it could have entered the race. Isuzu has chosen to not provide me with another one to use in ‘98. Could be they don’t believe what I actually did with the first one. Somebody said every time it rains in California, the ground under Trigger turns Utah red from all the mud dripping out of Trigger’s private parts. I tried to explain that it don’t rain in Utah, so that’s just dust that blows out with the wind but they just looked at me like I was trying to sell them the Golden Gate bridge. The most common question I’m getting from folks now is, “What will Outlaw be driving in ‘98?” Well, I still have the ole Rocky. You remember the one we named, “Mighty Mouse.” I’ve also had some conversations with Land Rover but no commitments yet. I also got a few questions from Dodge but not from anyone with authority so far. In other words, I don’t know! That’s what’s so much fun about this business. The world can take another sudden turn every time the phone rings. Happy Trails! |
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Copyright (c) 2009 Lone Writer, LLC. All rights reserved. The shared content cannot be found.
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